It's been like two weeks, and I still don't feel any differently than I do from the start of this whole thing. I miss you a lot every single second, and the pain I feel from missing you is so immense, it literally sometimes stops me from breathing.
I need to know that I can still see you, because I don't want to never be able to see you again. That would be plain torture, and I don't want that.
I haven't blogged in a really long time, and I don't think this will help at all. But when I look back to all the things I've blogged before, it makes me realize that on here is where I can just write all of my feelings out.
I've never been in so much pain in my life. I've talked to everyone that I could, done everything I possibly could, but it's still not enough. You're still not here. I can't imagine being without you, because you are the most important person in my life. I love you with all my heart, and nothing will ever change that. I don't want to hear the whole "time will fix everything" bullshit, because I know it's not true. I know this isn't true because the feeling that I have for you is far more than the feelings I've felt for anyone. You are different, and that's what makes me love you. I want to care for you, I want to be there for you, and I want to love you. It's been more than a week now, but my feelings haven't changed. I haven't really slept during this time, but when I have, I cry in my sleep. When I wake up, I burst into tears and I cry so hard I'm gasping for air with all the life I have left in me, because I can't breath from my nose or my mouth. My heart feels like it's about to be torn out of my chest. All I want to do is bash my head through my mirror and have the shards pierce through my skull so I don't have to feel this pain. I don't think I can do it, because I know I can't. Not without you.
I don't want to talk to anyone anymore, because I don't want to listen to what they have to say. I've heard everything a hundred times, and I don't want to hear it anymore. Every time I think about you, I just cry and cry, because I don't know what else to do. I can't stand the thought of you being with someone else, it really breaks my heart and the feeling of wanting to cause physical pain to myself creeps upon me. I don't want to live without you, I can't live without you, and I simply just need you. You told me once before that you'll always be by my side, and you always want me to stay. What happened to that? I'm keeping my word, and I always will. I don't want to let go, and I won't let go. I don't want to let go of the person I love the most, of the person that can truly bring me happiness. Everything around me reminds me of you, and I don't think anything can make me happy anymore. I can't name one thing that could make me happy right now.
I believe in you, and I believe in loving you. I believe in meeting you for the first time, and feeling that connection right away, that you were special, and that I was meant to be with you; in those nights where we sat in your car, and the moment I sat cross legged in your car while holding your hand to my heart, because I knew you were going to be a very special person in my life; in skyping with you every day through the first winter break we were apart, because all i knew was that i had to see you once a day, even if i was halfway across the world; in those days in the dorms, where we both slept on a tiny ass bed, and cuddling close to you at night; in the time of your wow phase, and how i had a blast playing with you, even though that quarter was all bad; in the worst summer ever that changed us, but still we held on to what pulled us through; in all the times we visited the pet store out of bordeom, just the see the puppies and kitties being stupid behind their glass windows; in the times you played skyrim all the time, and i just watched from my bed, i didn't mind; in the time you found the kitten outside my house, and how i really wish we kept him; in putting up with my hard times, the many times i've complained about school, about my health, or someone i hated; in all the times i would lay in bed with you and scratch your back; in driving you to and from school, so you wouldn't have to walk; in making you food or eating food with you; in having you just there, your presence is what fuels my happiness. These are just a fraction of what I believe in, and what means the most to me.
Time will not make things better. Time won't make things better because no amount of time will replace the feeling of love you truly have for someone. Time is just an excuse for people to say to you because they hope you will get better, because they don't have anything else to offer you. Time is just a cover up to cover all the pain and sadness, but in reality it's still there. Time makes things worse, because the more the time passes, the more you realize what you're missing, what's hurting you, and it causes you an immense amount of pain. We use time as an excuse because there is no way of stopping time, and it just goes on and on. You don''t just use time to cover up or replace something you love, because if you truly love something, you don't just do that.
I've been wandering for 2 days now, and I don't have anywhere to go, and I've never felt so alone in my life. I've been everywhere I could, but every minute I still think about you, and I miss you so goddamn much. I can sit in one place forever, and think about you, and wonder if you're thinking about me.
You've changed my life and made me the person I am today, and you are so fucking important to me, I don't know how to make you see that. Right now, i just want to run away and disappear forever, or just not be here anymore because the pain is too much for me to handle. I never want to let you go .... because you are too important to me. I love you ... and I always will.
I felt really bad this morning because I was supposed to buy breakfast when my dad left for Europe as well as take my brother to school, but I totally overslept and ended getting up around 7:00. I really hate early mornings. Anyways, I spent most of the morning on the couch until 10am just webcamming with Steven. I was also watching GMA and they were showing this segment about Boo, who is a cute little pomeranian with a cute haircut :) I showed Steven the link and I put the picture next to his face on cam and he really looks like a puppy hehe. At 10, my mom wanted to go to the bank and deposit some money so I can pay for tuition. So I left and I was basically out until 1ish? I also went to Macy’s to buy a toaster oven for my apartment! I got home, rested a little bit and talked to Steven again. I wanna go on vacation with him! Why does everything cost so much money? T____T But around the time he told me he was tired, I had to go pick up my brother. I’m not sure if he fell asleep, but I think he did because he didn’t respond to me at all. I got home and basically KOed in my bed all afternoon. Steven texted me saying he got to drive a GT-R today and I was really happy for him! I know how much he likes that car! That’s basically it of my boring day T____T Tomorrow is another day … gotta take my brother to his ACT test, as well as go back to Macy’s to get bedsheets!
Right now, I'm just sitting on the couch again, with Phineas and Ferb on. I'm a little bit sad because I don't really have anyone to talk to ... or anything to do. Ever since 2 days ago, I've been feeling really sad because backflashes of the memories that make me sick to my stomach keeps being replayed in my head. It honestly just makes me want to throw up, and I just feel so lost and alone, I don't know what to do. Steven is going to be in Tahoe for a couple of days I guess, and I'm going to miss him a lot. :(
Stress is the trash of modern life - we all generate it but if you don't dispose of it properly, it will pile up and overtake your life.
Blehhh I'm so not looking forward to the next two weeks of my life....it all means to be waking up at 6 in the morning in able to get up for my 7am shift for work. If that want bad enough, it's basically a standing job for the 6 or 7 hours I am there. No flip flops... so here comes the sore feet and blisters!!
Anyways, I'm probably not going to eat lunch because I want to make more money because we have to clock in and out now...
As for the upcoming month of September... I guess you can say hello to my life of nothing and depression. Everyone will be back at school... more things to worry about... and just even more shit I don't want to have to deal with. Fuck life... honestly...
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